will the real anime protagonist please stand up

[protagchan]

[ ah, it's sunny out...

you know, as i get older i realize the days just start to blur together. i can't really tell one day from the next 'cause it's all the same to me. i do the same things over and over again that everything i do has lost meaning to it.

i wake up, i eat breakfast, i go to school, come home from school, sit around and play some games while i do my homework, eat dinner somewhere along the way and i go to sleep.

and then it repeats, just like that, every day. and it's been like this for, what, i dunno -- half of my life? and then this is just going to keep on going for... however long i'm alive for. it's really boring, isn't it? living that kind of life.

which is why, right at this moment, i sigh heavily. before me stands perhaps the greatest obstacle of my day: a hill that i must climb in order to reach the school campus.

ugh, anything but this...

it's true, this route could easily be avoided -- if i wake up early enough, i could take the longer way around, or if i had a bicycle i could just bike my way up the hill, or if i had friends who lived in my neighborhood, they could walk up with me and it wouldn't be so boring.

except it's all too much trouble and i'd rather not waste my time. it's going to be more work to figure out an alternative. best not to prolong the inevitable, either -- i'm going to have to climb this hill for the next two years of my life anyway.

it's way too early for this.

i take my first step -- left foot first -- and just as my foot is about to hit the ground, my right foot just about to push off to take the next step, something odd happens. it takes me by surprise and i stumble, losing my balance after not even one single step and i fall to the ground, my ass meeting the pavement that i would have been treading along had things... gone to plan, i guess.

something rustles from the bushes to my right, and within a moment's notice something i've never seen before comes out from it. a dark puddle or blob or something moves to the left, a little, then to the right. it stops, moves forward and then moves back... and looks right at me.

-- panic settles in --

what the hell is going on right now? why is it looking at me? shit --

why is this happening to me? ]

Comments

[quasimediocre]

[I sigh as I walk down the hill, hands stuffed into my pockets. I understand a lot of things - that we aren't exactly a huge operation, we're based out of a shitty apartment... or, rather, we aren't a huge subdivision. Apparently they put the big boys in Tokyo.

Why aren't I in Tokyo, again? Demons are attracted to populated areas. Hell, the gate's in Tokyo. I should be on the frontlines, not out in the boonies. Hmph. But the major's all 'we need you,' 'you're the only one here who could stand a chance against a stronger demon.' It's nice to hear, I guess, but couldn't they get a veteran from Tokyo? Then they could help teach the newbies.

Geez. It doesn't help that Dr. Blackman feels the need to tack on 'and that's really sad,' like she's a master of wit. Asshole.

Anyway, right, the walk down the hill. I get that we need groceries, because we aren't a big enough operation to have, like, supply trucks, but come on. Why her? I was gonna relax after all the trouble lately. Maybe the major's still mad at me for playing hero.

Which is another thing. I saved the day, didn't I? Yeah, Kurosawa made a good pinch-hit, I guess, but I still saved the day. McLeod'd be dead as shit if it weren't for me. RIP in peace and all that.

... Then again, Kojima did kinda have a point about me starting the fight in the first place.]

... Maybe I can buy Savage those cookies she likes, or something. She did kinda pull my ass out of the fryer. Her and Kurosawa, anyway.

[I still don't get how Kurosawa could do that. I mean, me running in makes sense, I can actually fight, but all Kurosawa's got is healing. Barely. He can patch up scrapes. How the hell did he expect to do anything?

Suddenly I hear a thump to the left, down the hill - I glance down and... hey... heeeyyy... hey!

This is my moment!]

Yo! [I start jogging, but I don't think the blobby dude's noticed me - hey, there's a bike - so I grab that.]

Hey, guy in a skirt! [It does kinda look like a guy in a skirt, right? This is the 21st century. I should be accepting.] Get down! [Anyway, I toss the bike at blobbymcslime. He sorta shifts as it hits him, then kinda... swallows... it...

Huh. Going by his beady little eyes, bikes are delicious. Also now he's bigger. Fuck. I slide to a stop at the crossdressing dude's side, jacket flaring behind me. Hope I look cool.]

Don't worry, I got this! You okay?

[protagchan]

S-Stay back!

[ right, because a freakin' blob of black goo and slime is going to listen to me. right. good idea, shiro, good idea.

but no, really, this blob of maybe-the-school's-mystery-meat-gone-bad is getting closer now that it's seen me and all i can do is try to kick it away from me and crawl back. it's kinda like being trapped in a corner, the way things are working out, but without the corner.

jesus christ, i can't be the only one who sees this, right?

i look around and... fuck, no one's around.

you've got to be kidding me! ]

...H-Hey! Hey, is anyone out here?! Helloooooo?!

[ even if i yell louder, no one's going to hear me. i'm pretty sure no one else takes this hill to get to anywhere else in tokyo.

i really should find an alternative.

while i move back, there's something that stops me for a moment -- my foot stops where it is and i turn my header over my shoulder. that blob's got a hold of my shoe! kicking him off doesn't seem to be working, but then --

for some reason the blob lets go of my shoe and i scramble to my feet, finally, to run another few meters. looking back, i can see that the blob just became a giant blob.

well fuck me sideways. how the hell did that happen?

but before i can actually, verbally, ask what's going on, a voice pipes in and suddenly it all kind of falls into place.

that blob got a hold of my shoe, some passerbyer -- thank whatever god is watching over me right now -- did something (i'm pretty sure i saw a bike mixed into this somehow) and now the blob grew. into a superblob. the blob evolved into a superblob and now it looks like it's ready to pounce.

-- wait, wait, wait. ]

Guy in a skirt? [ obviously it has to be me -- there's no one else here. wow, isn't this hero a little rude? jesus, you'd think these hero types are all considerate and polite, but nope -- just like in the animes they have to run their mouths and say stupid stuff like that.

i kind of blanch at this wannabe-hero when they come over. okay, you call me a guy in a skirt but what the hell are you? i can't say heads or tails about your gender here, pal, this is going to be some tough shit if i can't even get an idea as to what pronouns to call you with ]

I'm okay, but what the hell is that?

[quasimediocre]

[I roll my eyes at the crossdressing guy. No, I mean the other dude in a skirt. Jesus Mary and Joseph.

... He does have a good question, though, and it's at least good that he's okay. My gaze follows his finger back to the blob - let's call it that just for convenience's sake - as it sifts around and swallows up stray pieces of garbage on the road, growing slightly with every bit of gravel and every stray cigarette. Uh-oh. That isn't good.]

Uhh. [I pause. Right, secrecy thing, but... well. clearly kinda hard to keep this a secret. Not many people can see demons, and even fewer can interact with them or make out anything more than the fuzzy outline.

Going by how it just swallowed his shoe, though, I'm gonna bank that this dude is on the 'interaction' part of the scale.]

Okay, you might not believe me, but that's a demon. I think the proper term is Otherworlder, but demon sounds cooler. [Well, it does. I think Dr. Blackman is just trying to get us to call them Otherworlders to keep from admitting that we're basically fighting the armies of Hell. Which is pretty badass, admittedly.]

And it wants to eat you because you'll taste good. If it's just mindlessly attacking you, I don't think it's sentient or anything. [Or, rather, it's not any more sentient than a starving wolf. To be honest, I always feel a tiny bit bad killing these sorts of demons, but if you're on the menu... well, food chain and all that.]

Anyway. [I step in front of him again and crack my knuckles. The blob shifts slightly, eyes focusing on me again.] Here's what I want you to do. You probably want to run, right? Don't. This guy might be part of a hunting pack. Stay right where I can see you. [I kneel down, grab a stray rock, and toss it up and down in my hand. Yeah. I bet I look like the Coolest Dude right about now.]

I'll protect you, 'kay? Just leave it all up to me. [I give him a smile, to let him know everything'll be alright, toss the rock up and down one more time, then chuck it right at him. Unlike the bike, I make sure to 'charge' this one. It should make a hole right on this guy's center...

Which it does. The rock breaks through the other side of him, clattering along the ground as the goo on it sifts. Then a tiny baby blob forms around the rock, swallowing it as it does.]

... Uh. [The tiny blob gets a bit bigger, once it finishes swallowing the rock. At least they're both moving slowly, though slowly towards us.]

Well, hey, I didn't miss. Ain't nobody gonna knock my aim.

/3 also my ims arent going through im upset

[protagchan]

An Otherworlder -- no, a fucking monster is trying to eat me, is basically what you're saying, right? That's what you're trying to get at?

[ i can't believe this kid, but at the same time, isn't that all i can do?

because seeing is believing, and whateve the hell is transpiring before me in front of my eyes is real. at least, i don't think i'm dreaming.

it could be a dream... except with a simple pinch of my arm, i reaffirm the fact this is all happening. this is real.

as much as i want to start running, this kid's words echo in my head. "don't run away" he -- she? -- says, "stay right here" s/he says but my instincts are telling me to get away.

but even though i want to run away, i can't -- i don't. my feet don't move, and i stay planted to where i am, standing behind this kid who thinks they can take on this blob of a monster by themselves ]

Hey, are you really serious about this? Fighting this thing? What can someone like you do?

[ but my question never gets a real, verbal answer, because this kid ends up showing me how. i watch as a rock speeds by, pierces right through the center of the blob and for a moment there's hope.

my mouth opens, ready to say "great job let's run the fuck out of here" but then... ]

[protagchan]

[ let me break the 4th wall, just for a moment.

these keywords are relevant. ]

[protagchan]

[ and still breaking the 4th wall: these are also relevant keywords. ]

Yeah, you got that blob made from the mystery meat all right but --

they multiplied, you idiot!

[ please, whatever god is watching me right now, help me. i think i'm being saved by an idiot wannabe hero ]

1/2

[quasimediocre]

Yeah, they kinda did. How 'bout that, huh? [I look at the blobs and take a step back. They're still moving slow, but it's not really an unintimidating slow. It's got the feel of a lion stalking it's prey. Only they're blobs.

As cool as it is, I think I'm gonna have to give it up here - I take off my jacket and hold it out to buddy-boy.]

Right. Here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna fight that... those things. I think I can take 'em. [I pause. As bitter as it is to admit it, there's a chance I might fuck up, right? If it's just my neck that's stuck out, that's fine, but sweet transvestite here would have to die because of my mistake too.]

... But if I can't, if things start looking bad for me - run. Run as fast as you can for Akihabara, okay? Subway's good, they don't like crowds. Look for a store tucked away in a corner. Armbruster's. Logo should have a mascot that looks like an off-brand Cell from DBZ. Bunch of foreigners will probably be hanging around it. [As I explain all this, I realize that our secret headquarters blows. But whatever.]

You make it there, you'll be safe. No matter what happens to me. Show 'em the jacket, they'll get it. [It is pretty distinctive, I figure. Old fashioned U.S. military jacket, Korean War era. Has 'Cross' scrawled on the nametags. Wouldn't find one like it anywhere in Tokyo, anyway. Maybe a store for military otaku, but that still wouldn't be able to copy the name.

If I make it through this, that jacket better be in mint condition.]

For now, just get outta the line of fire. Stay where I can see you, though. [If I go through all this and he gets gobbled up by the blob's buddy, I will be so pissed.]

Now, if you'll excuse me...

2/2

[quasimediocre]

I gotta save the day.

[Hell yeah, motherfuckers. I duck into a boxing stance, or something vaguely resembling one, hop on my feet, roll my arms...

The blobs, both of them, finally roll their eyes back towards me instead of the other dude. Perfect. First order of business: making sure I don't gotta deal with two big guys.

I suddenly shoot forward, wind roaring around me - in anime, this'd be called a flash step or something - and bring my fist right down on the little guy. The big blob's eyes roll around to watch me, since the little guy's behind him, but it's too late. I squashed that guy but good.

... My hand feels all gross now. I need to get some gloves, like Steiner's got. I shake my hand to get some of the goo off it and watch it carefully, the goo that's splattered around, landing on cars and a street sign, but it doesn't move. Guess I really did kill it.

The big blob roars, though.]

You're next, big guy!

[protagchan]

Are you an idiot? You are, aren't you?

[ this kid thinks he can just waltz in here and just push the responsibility of taking care of these blobmonsterthings by himself -- the nerve of this idiot. doesn't he watch anime or something? this kind of self-sacrifice stuff never works out!

like, they all go the same way. someone needs help, a hero comes in; that hero decides to be the cool badass and think it's heroic of him to say "leave it all to me!" and then run off and be the hero. it's so typical -- so typical -- and you know what? the hero doesn't even make it out alive most of the time! what the hell is up with that? what good is a self-sacrifice?

it's kind of stupid, if you ask me.

the jacket in my hands is a jacket style i've never really seen outside of pictures and movies; military stuff isn't really my thing so it's just weird holding it. you know what else is weird? watching the guy who threw this at me fight those blobs.

despite his instructions, i haven't moved a single inch. i mean, yeah, sure, it probably would've helped if i just split -- get running, be safe, leave the kid and go on with my life, right?

but how am i supposed to feel about leaving this idiot here by himself? it looked like he didn't have a problem handling the one blob, but it looks like that second one is really ready to fight, though.

out of the corner of my eye, i see something move. ]

Oi! Idiot! [ what i saw move just now was another blob -- it didn't look like it came from the remnants of that first one, so it means this one's completely new, doesn't it? ] There's another one coming from behind you!

[quasimediocre]

Don't call me an- [I cut myself off when her words register. Behind? How fast? How big? Super big or just a little big? Goddammit, how many of these things are there? I wheel around, and suddenly I have to roll out of the way because the entire thing decides to surge forward like a rocket. I barely make it without getting swept up in the slimy tide.

Okay, big guy. Big guy B keeps going, hits big guy A, and they... they... I stand up and brush myself off.]

... Yo, dude, I got a new plan! [I run over to the guy in a skirt, grab his hand, make sure he still has my jacket, then just. Start hauling ass.]

We're running! [It really, really hurts my pride, but I remember what happened the last time I tried to take on something that big. I nearly got people killed - not just me, but other people.

So I gotta swallow my pride. At least for this guy's sake.]

Whatever you do, don't look back, alright! We'll be alright if we can make it to Akihabara! [Which means running for the subways! If we can make it to a place with crowds, we'll practically be homefree.]

Don't you backtalk, either! [So I. Keep running, dragging this dude by the hand. Despite my own advice, I shoot a glance behind me - the gigantic blob's eyes roll around, hit me and this dude, it roars or bubbles or something, and then it starts oozing towards us.]

... Seriously, don't look back. [I force my head away from the sight and pick up the pace.]

[protagchan]

[ suddenly, idiot hero grabs my hand. and we're running ]

You don't need to pull so hard - !

[ my feet already hurt and we haven't even ran that far yet -- probably a few blocks? jeez, i'm part of the "going home" club for a reason, i'm no track star. this is definitely not how i wanted to spend my morning. ]

Akihabara? Wait a minute, Akihabara's definitely not in running distance - ! Who are you anyway?! What if you're taking me to some shady alleyway or something?!

[ i can hear those blob monsters behind us. shit shit shit, come on feet run faster! ]

Do those things usually follow their targets? [ there's so many questions, i even doubt the guy hears them let alone be able to answer them ]

[quasimediocre]

Well, I used to be Kyoko Cross but then Stuff Happened - [I explain in a yell as we run, notice him lagging behind, then just. Yank him up onto my back. I'm strong, and fast, and so on and so forth, it's no trouble.]

Hang on tight, by the way! [I keep my arms around him now that I'm carrying him like a backpack, shooting another glance at the blob and kicking myself into high gear. Shit, I tried so hard, ain't no way I'm letting this end badly!]

Anyway, I'm Kyoko Chono! My job is fighting demons! [I'm a high school dropout, too, but buddy here doesn't need to know that.]

Sometimes they follow 'em! It depends! This dude's hungry, you're on the breakfast menu! [By which I mean, well, buddy can see and interact with the blob. That means he has some sort of inherent supernatural energy, even if he doesn't have any 'powers.' In other words, he's a prime meal.]

I'm guessin' he hasn't had anything to eat in a while! [I'm still running - I shoot a glance behind and the blob's still following. Shit.]

Anyway, we just gotta make it to some place crowded! Only the really, really strong ones can handle crowds! Any ideas?

[protagchan]

[ honestly, i don't know what i should be paying attention to. this guy telling me his life story or something, the fact that there's a monster coming after us or the thought of running even faster than i already am to get the hell away from those blobs

really, why can't these kinds of situations be more simpler? i take a deep breath ]

There should be a crowd near the subway -- it's that way! [ i point towards our left, and then with a last final burst of whatever energy i have left, i run out in front of the idiot hero to take the lead ]

There's gonna be tons of people there who need to take the subway, that should work, right?

[ all the questions i have about this guy's history and the reason he's here, the reason why we're being chased, are all being saved for later. when we actually have time to breathe, i'll bombard the shit out of this guy with my questions --

because i wish i could say i didn't believe any of the crap he spewed out in hurried breaths of air just now --

but considering our terrific situation and circumstances, i can't exactly disbelieve any of it, can i? ]

Jeez...!

[quasimediocre]

Perfect, subway! [Left, right. I don't exactly leave Akihabara that much, so this area is new to me. Good to have a tour guide. I run after guy in a skirt, and while it's kinda impressive that he managed to overtake me, I even it back up pretty quickly.

And then I hear the slime roar. I didn't even know slime could roar.]

Hurry it up, buddy! [We're almost there. I shoot yet another glance back, and the slime's slowing down. The crowds must be just below us! I can see the station, so we gotta be almost there! He's still slowing down, but that's no reason for us to... lose... our energy.

Wow, I musta blew more energy punching that lil' guy than I thought. Still, I make it okay - we're in the middle of the crowds moving to and from the station when I finally stop running, looking back at our slime buddy as I brace myself against the wall. He stares at us, stares at me, then sort of... starts to fade away.]

Hey. Dude. You okay? [Now to address the problem of shorty here.]

[protagchan]

Shut up, idiot!

[ what i've learned today: i need to work out more.

air leaves me quicker than i can catch any more; the more i run the more i start slowing down. shit, no, i really can't slow down now -- that roar behind us means the slime blob is coming closer and --

ah. hey, the guy took the lead again. awesome, thanks for the break, man.

we keep running for another two or three minutes, and we're finally among people again -- jesus christ, where the hell were these guys back by the hill? my feet stop as soon as his does, and immediately i let out a series of coughs and shallow, fast breaths. ]

Ugh, I'm never -- [ cough. wheeze. hack. cough ] -- running this much -- [ wheeze ] -- ever again!

[ my lungs feel like they're going to burst, like they need more room to get more room, but i try to hold back that feeling and just. focus on calming myself down. heart rate and stuff, you know?

i look exasperatedly at him ]

-- just peachy, thanks.

[quasimediocre]

Good to know. [I'm being sarcastic right back at him. We made it, at least.]

Don't cough up a lung. [I look him over now that we ain't running for our lives. He's scrawny, and that school uniform kinda... hangs, offa him. He certainly doesn't look like he has any powers, or anything... geez. I can't help but feel a little bad for him, getting caught up in all this, even if he seems like a bit of a brat.]

Just so you know, I'm still taking you to Akihabara. [I need to get the Major to take a look at him. If he's got energy, but no powers, something like that could happen again... and I might not be around to save him, next time.

Not to mention, what if he does have some kind of power? That'd be Big Shit.]

... Anyway, you wanna do names or something? Got any questions? I'm here to help.

[protagchan]

How are you even remotely okay after all of that? [ seriously, what's with this dude? we just ran for like a mile and a half nonstop and he isn't even -- it doesn't even look like he broke a sweat.

dammit, these athletic types piss me off. ]

Hate to break it to you, but I've got school today and I'm -- shit, what's the time?

[ i don't particularly care about school, but shouldn't i be responsible and head back? though if it's too late then... i guess skipping wouldn't be too much of a problem. i'll say that i'm sick or something. the teachers are pretty lenient with that kinda stuff, surprisingly.

i sigh heavily.

it's time to get to business then, doesn't it? guess we gotta start somewhere ]

Anyway, I'm Shiro. And you're... What did you say your name was? Kyo... Kyo something? Kyoya?

[quasimediocre]

Lotsa practice. [That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

This dude - Shiro - seems pretty pissed about me, though.]

Going to school wouldn't be such a hot idea. You'd be safe there, but if you're alone on the way home the big guy might come back. Or something even nastier.

[I sigh. Man, these sorts of situations are always the worst.]

Kyoko. [This is where I break the fourth wall for a minute to wonder if putting the emphasis on the 'ko' will make her get it.]

Like I was saying, we need to go to Akihabara. People who can help you out are there - with any luck, you won't need to worry about that happening ever again.

[protagchan]

I can't exactly skip class, though.

[ when did i become such a stickler for going to school? more than often, i never really wanted to go in the first place.

kyoya here has a point about not going, but hahhh, this kinda thing is just...

wait, he just said something different other than kyoya, didn't he? ]

... Kyoko? Like, -ko? [ i stare blankly at him, give him a good look over. short hair, pretty boyish clothes, the voice is pretty... well, i can't say that it's masculine but it could pass... ]

Hahhh, so you have this kinda fate, huh? Being given a female name even though you aren't... That sucks, sorry, man. I can kinda relate, you know? Shiro is a pretty unisex name, so I've gotten stuff like that too.

[ "people who can help you out" kind of seems a little skeevy. what kinda people are around to help with... blob monsters attacking the city? ] You're not taking me to some alleyway or something to have your way with me, are you? Going to Akihabara with you sounds a little seedy, if you ask me.

1/???

[quasimediocre]

[i]

[quasimediocre]

[quasimediocre]

[quasimediocre]

... That really hurts, man.

[I get this every now and then, but... I grew my hair out a little! Kojima said that was supposed to help!]

[quasimediocre]

I mean, if I was gonna have my way with somebody, it wouldn't be a guy in a skirt...

[quasimediocre]

AND I'M A FREAKING GIRL!